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Contents Bulletin Scripting in shell and Perl Network troubleshooting History Humor

IT Slang

(Edited by Nikolai Bezroukov)

News Humor Chronicle  Corporate bullshit as a communication method Dictionary of corporate bullshit Top 10 Classic Unix Humor Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society Ten Commandments of the IT Slackers Society
RFC 1925: The Twelve Networking Truths Murphy's Laws The Cuckoo's Egg BSD Logo Story SYSTEM PROBLEM REPORT The Unix Hierarchy Unix was a Program Gone Bad
NETSLAVE QUIZ Interview with a hacker GURU The Unix Cult Office Diplomacy Lesson Six Types of Troubles with bosses Santa as sysadmin
The Sysadmin Price List Classic Computer Humor Know Your Unix System Administrator Best Russian Programmer Humor ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? Object oriented programmers of all nations -- encapsulate The Evolution of a Programmer, from High School to CEO
 A letter from a programmer wife DNS Commandments "Mountain View California" (Sung to the tune "Hotel California" by the Eagles) Freudian Send in e-mail Flame Wars The Worst Job in the World  vi himor The Corporate Jungles Of Cubonia
The Perl Purity Test THE TOP 25 THINGS PROGRAMMERS SAY Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 Linux Sucks Humor Real Programmers Humor  Microsoft plans to buy Catholic Church Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010
 C C++ Assembler Perl Shell Java Debugging
 Miscellaneous Unproductive Time Classification "Linux Sucks" Humor  Networking humor Solaris humor Orthodox Unixoid definition Algorithms Editors humor
RMS Linus Torvalds Larry Wall & Perl GPL humor Information Passing Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question Man page for Unix baby command
OFM Humor Wisdom for Grads SE Humor   Unix And C Are Jokes Viruses Eric Raymond Etc

404: Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking Nick. He's 404."

4-bangers : weak IT staff who graduated from prestigious universities and afflicted with excessive hubris, mediocre intellect, and unimpressive analytical skills -- in other words, quite well positioned to assume leadership roles in an average IT department. Sometimes called "overly credentialed morons".  See also Schmucks unlimited. The problem is contagion: once one gets in, the network follows.

AAA: Derogatory term implying some machinations or other well hidden scam in evaluation of software or hardware products. Hints to AAA mortgage ratings.  "Playing AAA game" means a acquiring software or hardware based on such ratings. Sometimes used sarcastically as a synonym for  sh**ty product or service.

Ace of Spades:  The head of IT department. Hidden reference to the member of the Iraqi government

Action items:  Issues that are classified as such because no one wanted to deal with them/take responsibility for them in the last meeting, that suddenly require vetting, a deep dive, etc., and therefore will be tabled until the next meeting.

Adminisphere: The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are typically profoundly inappropriate, absurd or irrelevant.

Agitprop:  corporate propaganda, "teamwork", "striving for perfection" and other junk generated by corporate PR department for lemmings in the trenches.

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others":  Reference to cases of promotion of incompetent members, or Assmosis

Alpha: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in a group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha male."

Assmosis: Remember "Osmosis" The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

BAU (business as usual): typically means complete stagnation.

Blamestorming: A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Bubblevision: Corporate vision statement, or speech of some corporate honcho about corporate vision

Chainsaw: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CLM (Career Limiting Move): Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM."

Cobweb: A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet: A badly written Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!"

Crapolla: foolish, false or fake initiatives, slogans or ideas; IT management initiatives to make staff feel good. Identical in meaning to baloney. Office Space (1999) - Quotes - IMDb

Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and remember: next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

CR: Cry Babies -- annoying customers, who complain (typically to overworked helpdesk analysts) way too much.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles, occupied by netslaves. See also Netslave

Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dead Cat Bounce:  Corporate PR department attempts to mask worsening situation with over-optimistic forecast.

Dead fish:  Staff of datacenter which was outsourced to India.   Office Space (1999) - Quotes - IMDb

Tom Smykowski: [Smykowski is in a full-body cast] Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.

Death by PowerPoint: The micromanaging style, distinct by stream of requests of Excel spreadsheets or PowerPoint presentations, documenting your activities or staff that should be be documented at all.

Dilbertalized: To be exploited and oppressed by stupid (Bosos or Empty Suits (Aggressive Incompetent Managers)  and/or micromanager/control freak boss, as was Dilbert, the comic strip character. Office Space (1999) - Quotes - IMDb

Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.

Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.

Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.

Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!

Dipsters: Individuals who hold most of 401K in stock and buy corporate or other stock on dips

Egosurfing: Scanning WEB for one's own name.

Elvis Years: The peak years of  hype of the particular  software product or methodology.

Emperor have no clothes: Situation when IT brass does something really stupid, or acquire software or hardware based on hype of snake oil salesmen. The moment of revelation is usually delayed until the culprit leaves his position. For the same in security area see The Emperor's New Fluorescent Orange Clothes

Fat cats: IT executives

"Fear and bloating": substituting   real-world IT problems with brain-damaging, useless assessments, unrealistic policies and procedures as well as useless software acquisitions.  

FRIT (Fear Rules IT Ghetto):  A hint on the behavioral style of a particularly evil type of IT professionals, as a competent but smug jackass whose jokes come at the others expense and are ultimately exclusionary not inclusive.

Flight Risk: The term used to describe IT employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company

Foxification: falsification of the actual state of IT service, for example helpdesk. Swiping all unpleasant problems under the carpet and presenting Potemkin village picture.  See also "fear and bloating"

Going bananas: Futile attempt to explain to management absurdity of their actions.  

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job.

Gray Goose: Old, experienced specialist hired by startup trying to appear more professional and established.

Hamstering  -- activity of  IT hamsters

Hamster wheel. Never ending meetings

HIWTYL:  “Heads I win, tails you lose”

Ignorance is a bliss: A sarcastic observation about the actions of  4-bangers promoted to IT management.

IT hamster - an IT person who tries to base his/her IT career not on actual work and learning the ropes, but on excelling in "compliance" with the corporate procedures and policies, whatever it means.  Super energetic but completely clueless.  Enjoys using hamster wheel

It's a Feature: From the old adage, "It's not a bug, it's a  feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss  over.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards.

Link Rot: The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.

LHM: Lord Have Mercy. Some amazingly stupid move of corporate brass that is beyond redemption.

LMO: Leave Me Alone. Something like listening corporate presentation 'Planning to Plan."The most typical reaction on steam emails and garbage information from corporate headquaters

McJob: Working as helpdesk analyst or shift operator or similar dead-end jobs with their the feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction .

Meetingomania:  an infectious disease paralyzing few previously useful employees. Also a new lifestyle for corporate parasites. Usually coupled with PHB requests for unnecessary paperwork or PowerPoint presentations (Death by PowerPoint). Often lead to unnecessary software acquisitions.  Essentially identical to hamster wheel

“Moral hazard”:  Actions directed to getting bonuses, often harmful for the department or health of the datacenter.

Mouse Potato: If you think you can't wait your time browsing web thing again :-) This is IT staff answer to the TV junkie/couch potato. See also Miscellaneous Unproductive Time Classification

NATO("No Action Talk Only"):  the most typical method of resolution of problems in IT. See also hamster wheel

Netslave: IT staff  working under "unbelievable" pressure under freaking crazy management in "slave camp" conditions. This type of jobs with their long hours, as the evidence shows, increases risk of burn-out as well as mental and/or physical illness. As in Amazon review "The truth is that we're all stuck here doing grunt work 70-90hrs a week for a measly 50 or so grand a year while the "Technoevangelists" of the Valley run off with all the loot." See also  NETSLAVE QUIZ

NRNP (Neither responsible nor prudent): politically correct term for "criminal and crazy".

OPM: other people money.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

P.C Load Letter: cryptic message that is difficult to understand by the users.

Plug-and-Play: A new hire who doesn't require training. "That new guy is totally plug-and-play."

Potemkin Village: The state of the corporate IT department after successful outsourcing initiative and after IT brass got their bonuses for their valiant efforts. Any corporate brass effort conducted solely for personal enrichment and to deceive others into thinking that a situation is better than it really is. See also Potemkin village

PR: putting lipstick on pigs. "And not just any pigs, mind you, but the biggest, ugliest, most diseased representatives of their species." See also Office Diplomacy Lesson

Prairie Dogging: When something loud happens in a cube farm, heads pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.

Rational decisions:  Decisions based on the low probability of getting caught.

Quicksand: rapidly deteriorating or barely functional application or IT service.

Seagull: A micromanager who interrupts works of subordinates way too often...

Shrimp fest: A gathering of corporate brass

Siliwood:  Especially silly and annoying corporate meetings with top brass.

SITCOMs:  "Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage"

"Schmucks unlimited":  Useless IT staff. See also 4-bangers  and Snow flowers

SNAFU (from s(ituation) n(ormal): a(ll) f(ucked) u(p)):  An orderly process of the correction of a serious software or hardware problem in the corporate datacenter.  Confusion or chaos regarded as the normal state; an embarrassing mistake with grave consequences

Snow flowers -- IT staff that obtained its position due to nepotism or sexual services to management.

SOU: Survival of the unfittest. Reverse Darwinian process used for selection of the corporate management.

Space out : to stare at the desk so that it looks like you are working.

Square peg in a round hole: A corporate dissident... the maverick who could not fit into the company culture and hates company PR and "operating procedures".

Stress Puppy: A IT person who complains about being overstressed. 

Syadmin Joe: A hard-core Unix admin who do not know scripting and stuck on a single flavor of Unix, for example AIX (compare with Joe six-pack)

Water boarding: the performance review. see Surviving a Bad Performance Review

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait: The real meaning of WWW over 3G or slower connection.

Wombat ("Waste of Money, Brains and Time"): Replacing solution of underlying complex architectural problems by the acquisition of yet another useless expensive "compliance" software tool.   Can be used with company-specific or application specific prefix like "SAP Wombat", "IBM Wombat", "Helpdesk Wombat". 

"The Emperor's New Fluorescent Orange Clothes":  misguided attempt to improve security. See also Emperor have no clothes

UAD (Unregulated American Dream):  part time IT job. The underclass of netslaves who are over worked, over educated, underpaid and who live day to day with no health benefits.

Unixoid:

"Unprecedented times": The phase intended to mask the gravity of the situation. See SNAFU

UBS: "Used to Be Smart" -- former programmer who became system administrator or help desk analyst, or worse, mid-level manager...

Voodoo: decision based purely on hype and vendor marketing

"Waiving dead chicken" -- some ritual actions in case of crash or outage; imitation of troubleshooting of the problem just to satisfy superiors or clients.

Well anchored:  intoxicated IT staff (typically at the night shift).

"Winnie SOX" -- (usually incompetent) IT security specialist. Often former accountant.

Witch hunt:  A time-honored response to the serious problems in IT department

Wolf pack : Group of managers involved in outsourcing or "downsizing" of IT staff. Wolves are good at attacking the victims as a pack...

Zombie: computer with a rootkit or corporate remote control/information collection software installed. As in warning: "Beware zombies" to the colleague who is way too interested in exploring porno sites during his working hours (actually typically Web usage statistics is connected not on PC but corporate WEB proxy level).


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NEWS CONTENTS

Old News ;-)

Office Space (1999) - Quotes - IMDb

Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.

Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.

Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.

Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!

===

Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?

Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.

Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?

Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.

Bob Slydell: Eight?

Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

===

Michael Bolton: PC load letter! What the fuck does that mean?

===

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

===

Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.

Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.

===

Bob Porter: We're gonna be getting rid of these people here... First, Mr. Samir Naga... Naga... Naga... Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.

===

Milton Waddams: The ratio of people to cake is too big.

===

Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?

Peter Gibbons: Initech.

Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there?

Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.

Joanna: What's that?

Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.

Joanna: You're just not gonna go?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Joanna: Won't you get fired?

Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.

Joanna: So you're gonna quit?

Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.

===

Tom Smykowski: Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?

===

Bill Lumbergh: Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?

Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

===

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Bob Slydell: Great.

Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.

Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

===

Joanna: You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.

Joanna: Yeah. You know what, yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it.

===

Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.

Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.

===

Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?

Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.

Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.

Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?

Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

===

Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...

Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.

[Under his breath]

Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.

Milton Waddams: [as the waiter walks away] And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.

===

Michael Bolton: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?

Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.

===

Bill Lumbergh: Hello Peter, whats happening? Ummm, I'm gonna need you to go ahead come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around 9 that would be great, mmmk... oh oh! and I almost forgot ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too, kay. We ahh lost some people this week and ah, we sorta need to play catch up.

===

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: We need to talk about your flair.

Joanna: Really? I... I have fifteen pieces on. I, also...

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Well, okay. Fifteen is the minimum, okay?

Joanna: Okay.

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Now, you know it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Or... well, like Brian, for example, has thirty seven pieces of flair, okay. And a terrific smile.

Joanna: Okay. So you... you want me to wear more?

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Look. Joanna.

Joanna: Yeah.

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay? They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude. Okay? That's what the flair's about. It's about fun.

Joanna: Yeah. Okay. So more then, yeah?

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Look, we want you to express yourself, okay? Now if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then okay. But some people choose to wear more and we encourage that, okay? You do want to express yourself, don't you?

Joanna: Yeah, yeah.

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Okay. Great. Great. That's all I ask.

===

Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.

===

[Stuck in traffic]

Samir: Mother... shitter... Son of an... ass. I just...

[punches steering wheel]

===

Milton Waddams: I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.

===

Michael Bolton: Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. You haven't been showing up and you get to keep your job.

Peter Gibbons: Actually, I'm being promoted.

===

Tom Smykowski: [Smykowski is in a full-body cast] Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.

===

Steve: Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.

===

Bill Lumbergh: [in Peter's dream, Lumbergh is oiled up and having sex] You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great.

===

Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second, please?

Peter Gibbons: OK.

Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is a hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?

Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both of you guys.

Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.

Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.

Bob Porter: Excellent.

Bob Slydell: Great... Wow.

===

[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting as they hang around the printer]

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Samir: So what did you say?

Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.

Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities...

Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if...

[printer starts beeping]

Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?

===

Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and remember: next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

===

Peter Gibbons: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?

Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.

Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America.

===

Peter Gibbons: Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's just gonna be like...

[He mimics the sound of a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, walks up and does the same and laughs]

Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter: So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?

Peter Gibbons: Just coffee.

Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.

===

[Peter is wearing shorts, sandals and a paisley shirt, with his feet up on his desk, munching chips and playing tetris on his computer]

Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?

Peter Gibbons: No.

Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm?

Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.

Bill Lumbergh: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.

Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.

===

Peter Gibbons: [talking about the hypnotherapist he's about to see] Hey, he helped Anne lose weight.

Samir: Peter, she's anorexic!

Peter Gibbons: Yeah, the guy's really good.

===

Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I know him. I know him! He's my boss! He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss!

Joanna: He's not THAT disgusting.

Peter Gibbons: He represents all that is soulless and wrong! And you slept with him!

===

Drew: I'm thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O-face. "Oh... Oh... Oh!" You know what I'm talkin' about. "Oh!"

===

Lawrence: We still goin' fishin' this weekend?

Peter Gibbons: Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday, I just know it.

Lawrence: Well, you can get out of that easily.

Peter Gibbons: Yeah? How?

Lawrence: Well, when a boss wants you to work on Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Lawrence: So, all you gotta do is avoid him... on the last few hours on Friday, duck out early, turn off your answering machine... you should be home free, man.

Peter Gibbons: That's a really good idea.

Lawrence: Fuckin' A, man!

===

Samir: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.

Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.

Samir: Piece of shit.

===

Bob Slydell: Milton Waddams.

Dom Portwood: Who's he?

Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.

Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.

Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.

Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.

Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.

Bill Lumbergh: Great.

Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?

Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally.

Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.

===

Joanna: I dunno, it just seems wrong.

Peter Gibbons: It's NOT wrong. INITECH is wrong. INITECH is an evil corporation, all right? Chochkies is wrong. Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?

Joanna: Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register.

Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

Joanna: What?

===

Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it...

===

Lawrence: [shouting through the wall from his apartment] Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, check out this chick.

===

Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea?

Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.

Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom?

Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.

===

Steve: I lied. Um... All that stuff I said about being a crack head? It just helps me sell magazines. I'm actually an unemployed... software engineer.

Peter Gibbons: You're a software engineer?

Steve: Yup.

[sighs]

Samir: Things, uh... it must be very rough for you.

Steve: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions, than I ever did at Intertrode!

===

Bob Slydell: [telling Lumbergh who's going to be fired] There's two more people we can easily lose, and then there's Tom Smykowski... He's useless.

[laughs]

===

Joanna: Why don't you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what, that's probably never gonna happen, so just don't call me, OK?

[Joanna starts to close car door]

Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!

===

Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you're going to lose your job and you're still here.

Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I'll bet I'm the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS...

===

Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doing this when we're fifty?

Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.

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